This is My Psychosis
Death can come unexpected but sometimes, it looms like an omen or flashes like a huge neon sign in the middle of Time Square. However way it comes- unannounced or not- one can never be too prepared for it. Yes, it is easy to tell yourself you are ready and that there are some things that cannot be prevented or averted no matter how hard you try. You can prep up to be stronger, to accept better and understand unconditionally. But, once it happens- you will feel like a soldier in the middle of battle without bullets.
It becomes extra difficult if the one dying or has died is a person who touched your life in more ways than one. Letting go and trying to see life without that loved one – a relative or a lover or a friend- just seems unfeasible. Of course, we all know how that works. It will take some time to heal and to accept but that does not change the fact that there will be a moment or a portion of your life when you just stand still, feeling empty and bereft of anymore will to go on. You break down and even the tiniest bit will crumble away.
One cannot help but wonder how he or she will die. Will there be people who will weep and feel that movement of bleakness. Will someone’s life be devoid of everything because you are gone? Who will come and see you off? Who will say good words and reminisce happy times? Are there even enough to string together one good sentence? On and on it goes… questions and assumptions until it turns your brain into mush.
Sadly, these questions cannot be answered until that time where the Fates cut your life’s string.
For those of us who are left behind, we will never stop to wonder why our face will seem to be perpetually wet and bearing tear tracks. Our skin will be forever stained even when our eyes our dry because our souls will forever cry for that missing piece. Yes, we will eventually move on and be genuinely happy but we all are changed and that certain darkness will surely be one companion we can count on to look upon us at our funeral.