PSY-KOI-LOGY

This is My Psychosis

I hate crying…

I hate crying… I really do. I have prided myself as somebody who is able to look past the negative side of life; the type who would be okay with being alone and will try her best to deal with the cards that life has dealt for her. I keep thinking that if I will be happy, positive and strong, I will eventually find that missing piece of my life and that for now, I must focus on others’ happiness…putting other people first. I have perfected the art of redirection…of being a loner who is not lonely all the time. I have honed myself to withstand depression and just try to really focus all the bad things that has lead me to where I am into something constructive.

I never chose to be single or always be by myself. I am thrust into a situation and I answered its call the best that I can! Is it my fault that I am still single without a social life? Yes and No. Is it my fault that I am up to my ears with different jobs because I am trying to earn and make a living? I know my choices have lead me to a lot of things and I know that despite life’s good intentions, I made wrong turns or I had let the wrong actions steer me towards this point of my life. But the thing is, I am trying my best to live a life without regrets; to just be grateful and thankful that I have a loving family, a few circle of friends and somehow the means to do what I love and even indulge in some of my frivolities like books, beaches and foodies. I always look on the bright side because other people have it harder, harsher and sadder.

Unfortunately, as much as I know that I can do it…that I can keep my head above water, I am heavily aware that I am still just a human being. I still fail and I still feel that ache of loneliness…of feeling unloved and last on people’s list. I still feel alone with nobody caring for me the way I do for them. I make mistakes and wallow in self-pity. I have my demons and insecurities that I have to fight and sometimes I fail…I fail big time. But that is not the issue that hurts me the most…

What makes it all so sad, exasperating, frustrating, hurting and hellish is that some people are insensitive about it. Some people just see the surface; they just see a single woman, sitting all alone most of the time and lonely…and as society is so callous most of the time, they see it as a bad thing; something to poke fun at; to judge because it is not what is expected of her…it is not normal…or that there is something wrong with her.

I don’t need pity and I don’t need charity. I don’t need people to rub it in my face that I am getting old but I am still single. I don’t need to be reminded of what I don’t have despite wanting it so bad and fervently praying for it. Yes, I am lonely but I am trying my best to not let that rule my life. I am working hard at keeping that ugly monster from rearing its ugly head. So, nobody as in nobody has the right to judge me or make me feel bad about myself! I will not allow it!

I’ve never cried like this before and I’m glad I did because it reminded me of why I am in this point of my life…why somehow I have trust issues, insecurities and inferiority complex. It reminded me why I have standards and why I have walls…why I know what I want.

So in a way, thank you people! Thank you for breaking me down! Just wait and see, I’ll show the world…even if I have to die trying!

Doumo!

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