This is My Psychosis
“Hello darkness, my old friend. I’ve come to talk with you again…”
I know most people who are psychologically unhealthy or have the “crazies” do not know that they are sick. They can never tell that they are abnormal or sick in the head because for them, whatever discord or however they have steered far, far away from the norm, their universe exists.
I have always been out of sorts. I have battled with darkness and the need to self-destruct because of all the baggage and negative energies that linger from my past. There are times that when I’m angry at something or someone, I can see myself exploding and really just being consumed by anger that I literally see myself wanting to punch a hole through a partition; throw a major fit and destroy things. It frightens me sometimes because right now, I can control the anger but what if the time comes when I black out and it all just happens?
I’m an emotional person. In fact, emotionally unstable is the word. There are moments when darkness just creeps in slowly, bit by bit -but because I am so happy, focused on other worthwhile things and the like, I do not notice the negativity piling up. I usually just get caught by surprise when I suddenly feel like crying for no reason or the slightest little mistake from me or the people around me sets me off like I just encountered the biggest problem in the world. Most of the time, when I’m mentally jaded and claustrophobic with the overwhelming responsibilities from work, I start to see myself spiraling down into that abyss…until one day, I just wake up and never, ever want to move.
Of course, I have to move, even if I don’t want to. I have to go to work. I have to think. I have to hope, dream and wish for things that I know (and will never understand why) I can’t have or is never going to happen to me. But all of these are so difficult sometimes to do that I just end up crying for no reason. I end up being lonely, sad, exasperated…but mostly, just tired.
You know the feeling or maybe intuition that you have? Like when you know that something is going to happen? I get that a lot… there’s just something inside me that reminds me everyday how i’m not going to be like this..never going to be like that..not ever going to have this etc… Yes, it’s all negative, negative, negative.
I usually just end up in bed, curled into a ball and just bawling my eyes out. I talk to God. I ask questions. I answer some. I apologize. I pray. I reinstate my faith and how I trust in Him. But I know in my heart that I am lonely; that I am hurting and that I have to continue this battle that rages inside me. I’m tired. I’m really tired of failing, of expecting too much and getting nothing…i’m tired of how strong I am that I can stand being alone. Most of all, i’m tired of longing…
I’m in for a long week…