This is My Psychosis
Sometimes, when you open a door, you get pleasantly surprised; other times, you get a full blast from the wicked past. I get the latter a lot. I must have written before that I am given to dramatics and when there is an opportunity to twist my heart into a pretzel and shed tears, I do my best not to pass it up. I am excessively compelled to feel -not because I have to but because I want to.
You may call it overly dramatic. I prefer the more daring and dark thing called masochism. Pain perfection. Honing the self with what has hurt the most so as not to forget the lessons learned. Yes, I am akin to drama and I revel in moments where I am alone in the darkness of my mind. Oh, but there is something to be won from it.
I get my feet planted on the ground and my illusions of romance and grandeur gets dimmed; toned down. It’s not that I do not want my feelings or the hopeless romantic in me to get its crack at the world. I do dream of that one great love. However, I know how easily I am prey to the machinations of infatuation and blindly falling in love with a guy. So, like every heroine does in movies and books -to not get possessed by feelings and the stirrings of infatuation, I distract myself with pain. I just do not have a gun to shoot my leg with and thank God I do not have the guts to stab myself with a knife. Therefore, I resort to the one thing that can easily be maimed without physical assistance – I put pain in my heart.
Not all pain is to be considered a crutch. Not every wound that has healed should be considered as a burden to bear. There is a reason why pain is an irrefutable part of our day to day lives. We just have to find ourselves keen to its purpose. We have to know how to use this negative energy and turn it into something positive. Pain helps prevent more pain. Pain helps growth as we learn and get another perspective of a situation or an emotion.
So yes, I think I am a masochist [who happens to have a high tolerance for physical pain] and I think it is not that bad. Of course, I do always make sure I exercise restraint and know the boundaries. That is the part where I appreciate fear -because it keeps me focused. Fear of God; fear of hurting others through hurting myself.
I might not always see the glass half full but I think the important part is knowing that you can always have the power to pour water into it. It’s not about forgetting the past and the lessons that go with it. It’s not about having to prove that you are strong to move on and forget. It’s all about believing that these things make you push yourself to be the best that you can be at any given situation. It’s about having the power to know yourself and how you have become who you are and how you always have the choice to be who you can be.