This is My Psychosis
Nights are always the saddest part of my day. Probably it is because I do not have a choice but to be inside my head. For some people it is a good thing, but for me, it is as good as getting your nails pulled out one by one. Oh, there are times when I love being inside, delving into great thoughts and getting inspired. Unfortunately, those instances are limited.
It is an inescapable prison -memories and threads of unfinished what ifs and whatnot. It is a dangerous zone to linger in for a certain amount of time. The darkness can consume whatever light you have within minutes. There are times when sleep is a friend that offers sanctuary, a foothold and that much needed reprieve. Still, most times, sleep deprives you of that freedom as it slips from your grasp, merrily running away from you as you try to chase after it, only to be held back by monsters you only know of and whisper about at night.
I hate it when nights like these pester me. I hate it when I do not have the choice, at least not have the strength enough to stop regressing into the warbled wormhole that is part of my brain. Yes, it gets me to write about vague adventures and visits into the despair and the grim but then, the mental and emotional exhaustion is the expensive price that I have to pay. Oh to be alone with dark torments, unrealized and unattained hopes and dreams…and that ever taxing, mind grating, soul shattering battle of keeping loneliness and bitterness at bay… Who would have thought fending off one’s alter-ego could demand so much?
There a times when I am so given to dramatics. I cannot help it… I am wired this way by life and by what has happened before. But tonight, oh tonight… Melancholy sings a bittersweet tune that my heart cannot deny. It sings of wants, desires and needs. It is a song for the sad and the lonely. It is the melody and harmony of the broken, seeking to be whole once more. I dare not shut my ears from it because it is singing my song, uttering my words. Like a sailor unable to escape a sea siren, I am lost in the devastation of its beautiful haunting harmony.
I succumb, unwilling but consciously aware. Tonight, tonight I am prisoner inside my black fortress. Tonight, tonight I wash my soul with salty tears. Tonight, tonight is for the weary and depressed. Tonight, I regress…