This is My Psychosis


Sometimes the universe goes out of its way to accommodate whatever you fancy; whatever you feel like doing. It does not matter if you wish to bawl your eyes out or laugh until your cheeks explode. If you want to go streaking, then the universe will make sure you’ve taken just about enough vodka or have enough amount of alcohol in your body to make you go and run “free!” Bottom line, fate decides that for this day or this certain moment in your life, you can do what you want and actually get what you are aiming for.

Tonight, or at least somewhere between 10pm and 1am, was one of those nights. I have always been an emotional person even before I knew that I was. A series of unfortunate events have heightened my tendencies and I believe [even if it’s quite embarrassing] that I am even more emotional today. Sometimes, all I can think of is curling up in bed, surround myself with my pillows and just stay there. I want to hide from the world. I want to open up this little black Pandora’s box inside my heart and just wallow. Truly, deeply, pathetically hardcore-ish wallow!

Of course, I am not always in a brooding, Wednesday Adams mood. I am happy to say that I have more laughter now than I had a couple of months before. I also am glad to say that I no longer the social recluse that I was planning to be [at least, in a teeny way…] I am not even sure if I can handle being alone now but I do not want to ponder on that because I know if ever I do end up where I was before, I can have something of my past to help me retreat into my shell and shrivel away into non-existence.

Oh but tonight, tonight was for the dreary; the faceless and the nameless black. I knew I was setting up for a date with the waterworks and the floodgates have indeed been opened. But it was meant to happen as the rain started coming down in torrents as well. It was the perfect movie and the perfect mind frame for a sob-fest. I knew it was going to commence the moment I came through our house’s door.

The thing is, I have fought this dark cloud for several days or I think it’s weeks. I have told myself that I will not allow anything to make me go back in that dark place inside my head. I have people who prevent me from diving backwards into the void and I am grateful for them. I almost believed that I would forever bury Pandora’s box.

But sadly, it does not work that way. There will always be a part of you which pulls you into that direction and make you open that blasted box over and over! You do not really hate it as you know something in you wishes to do so. Perhaps, it’s a test? A way for you to remember how strong you are and how you have overcome such circumstances.

Then again, it might be the masochist in you; or the need to be an artist who is all angst, heartache and emotional rage. Whatever it is, I let it get to that point tonight. I played a movie that I know would set everything in motion and hugging my pillow, I let it play me. I let it play the lonely, sad and depressed me. I let it put my alter-ego into motion; becoming that creature who absolutely sounds, looks and is pitiful; pathetic and perhaps, a bit not right in the head.

The rain mimicked the mood inside my cold room and I did not care that my feet felt like they were frostbitten as I refused to hide under the blanket. Of course, there are some things that cannot be prevented -like having to put everything [including my drama moments] to a PAUSE because the bladder just can’t hold THAT much. But as soon as I shut the door to my room, I am back again in that dark place.

Then, would you believe that after the movie and all that rain, I open my Facebook and stare smack into lyrics that are perfect as well? Who would have thought that the whole scene of my miserable wallowing would be complete and have a soundtrack to boot? No, [the risk of sounding defensive-but I have to say this] don’t get me wrong, I know what you might be thinking. You might say that the song only sounded right because I was in that zone where I wanted it to be right or that I just wanted to have background music to this love-affair with depression. Trust me. It was not anything like that.

So, as usual -what do I get once I resurface from this trip down memory lane?

Nothing much. Just enough purging of the heart and soul so that I can run on my “happy” gas again. I am not sure how it will manifest when sunlight hits the ground but I’ll wing it. I’m too paralyzed to think ahead [plus the fact that I do not have a pair of sunglasses to hide the evidence!] Oh, I guess the fact that I blog at this hour of day -it’s a good thing. I mean, at least something positive comes out from it, right?


Therefore, if the universe urges you to a moment of catharsis [even if it is without artistic expression] -allow yourself to do so. Allow yourself to dip those toes into the murky water of your once insane world -swim in it, even! Just know that once you are in it, you do not forget the fact that you already have gone out of it once, twice -a lot of times… and you can do so again. Don’t completely lose yourself to such weakness over and over because it will not show you how strong you are every time… it will just prove to you and everyone else that you are stupid.

Everything in moderation, yeah?


***[Catharsis – noun – :purification or purgation of the emotions (as pity and fear) primarily through art; a purification or purgation that brings about spiritual renewal or release from tension; elimination of a complex by bringing it to consciousness and affording it expression]


One comment on “Catharsis

  1. Pingback: Catharsis « psyKoilogy

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