This is My Psychosis


Okay, I hate the fact that I can easily develop a crush towards a guy with a cute face. I hate it -yes, I do! Because I know that I pine and I moon over them like someone who has taken a shot of anesthesia in the brain thus, losing whatever semblance of activity due to severe numbness. Really, it’s not that great of a feeling [even though some of my friends say that it is something wonderful!] I do not know why I get easily smitten. It seems so unnatural given the fact that I am quite picky with the people I am friends with or I hang out with. But I guess I am just a huge sucker for a guy with a great smile and a nerdy look about them.

But really, most often it does not amount to anything so can we just please, please..pretty please, skip the whole chapter of ogling, stalking, imaginary flirting and the likes? I do not know if it’s just the artist or writer in me stirring up unnecessary chaos or it’s an unknown penchant for drama and having who/what you cannot have… Whatever! I just want to skip the giddy-good-for-nothing part.

I remember fully well that I said that infatuation is the only disease wherein one becomes extra pretty and put together. Not that I have anything against being presentable and delectable. I just do not want to deal with the feelings and the emotional upheaval that comes along with it. I know that most people will say, just enjoy the ride and have fun while experiencing the shivers and the moments of pure thrill [i.e. he nudges your elbow or remembers your name and engages you in conversation….] Unfortunately, I might live for these moments but it is a highly short-lived life.

I don’t like flashes or falling stars- the kind where in light is bright for a short span of time but then quickly fades away. I don’t like bursts fireworks then watch as the sky become black and the world becoming eerily quiet. I don’t like blinking fireflies, bobbing around in the air, disappearing from time to time. In short, I want something constant. I want something that amounts to something wonderful and not just some cheap or short-lived thrill.

I think I am way past the puppy-loves and the whole mushy-giddy-i-like-you-you-like-me scenario. I never liked playing around or toying with emotions, feeding egos and hearts without really bothering to follow through. I have been conditioned to be a hopeless romantic. I need romance not crushes and infatuations.

Unfortunately, what to do with this currently building crush?



2 comments on “OY VEY!

  1. maryfollowsthelamb
    February 18, 2012

    I had to smile at your post as I’m in the flash and fire of an intense crush right now! All that you wrote is so true. I love him beyond belief when he smiles at me and hate him beyond belief when I feel he is deliberately ignoring me, or – gasp! – talking to another woman within my sight. He is my first thought in the morning and the last one at night. Endless scenarios of our life together play in my head. I’ve went wayyyyyyyyyyyyy over budget on new clothes, makeup, hair products… I think, whoa, you’ve got it bad this time. This time? Oh yeah, it’s happened before! Maybe, just maybe, this time all the fireworks will have happened at the beginning of our romance. I hope so.

    If not, well, there’s always more fireworks!

    • koisevilla
      February 19, 2012

      it is a bittersweet feeling, right? One I really wish I could do without… And to top it all off… He acknowledged my presence today with ansmile, wave and remembering something that happened when we first met…it was sweet torture… Lol

      Thanks for liking and commenting… I hope it works out for you…. 🙂

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