This is My Psychosis
This blog though invites people to take a peek at this turmoil inside me but I know they will forever be just outside looking in. They can form their own opinions and they might even scoff at this entry but they will never understand the totality of its meaning and how it feels. If you are not into drama and would not rather hear my whining, then stop reading now.
I am extremely upset with everything that has happened. I have felt the negative vibes humming around the edges of my sanity, waiting for the opportune moment to attack. Finally, after being on an emotional roller coaster, it all fell like a nuke drop down on my happy-lala-land. And in that moment of chaos and impending doom (not to mention the assault on my peace of mind) I only found myself longing for silence.
Silence from everything around me and within me. In fact, the way I reacted when disaster struck was surprisingly unbecoming of me. Instead of fighting and launching a few missiles of my own, I retreated (sans the white flag) and decided to just mourn in solitude for what has been lost. I realized finally that in the many years of trying to bend over backwards for people and being overly concerned and nice, I have forgotten myself and other more important things.
I understood, not too long ago, that there will be people who will treat you good only when they can get something from you. There are also other people who will bask in your undivided attention and your endless generosity and forgiving nature but will quickly disappear as soon as everything you offer disappears and ends. There will always be individuals whom you have thought about; worried over and took care of for the longest time but at the end of road, when they are all in a better position or have no need of you, they forget you. Worst of all, they act as if you do not exist and they are not mindful of the situation they place you in.
I have endured my fair share of scenarios like these. I have stood my ground and endured everything without retaliating as much as I would have wanted. Not to sound so righteous but I believe I have held my tongue and turned the other cheek a lot of times. I admit that I cried- different rivers of tears… I cried because I got hurt and other people got hurt. I cried tears for things and feelings that were lost. I cried tears for loneliness and sadness. I cried tears of anger and frustration. I cried and I cried until my tears would not come anymore.
But then I realized, after feeling a bit better, nothing has changed. People are still the same as before. They have gone on with their lives without regard to my plight. There were no realizations or reconciliation; there were no kind words or heartfelt “thank you’s” Nothing. They went on as if I did not happen; we did not happen. Are people so callous and so insensitive? Where they not taught about manners? virtues? respect?
Middle has never been the easiest position yet, I have taken the role to heart. I have been in between different types of wars and schemes. I have been damned for being and damned for being not. I have pleaded for people who were too proud to do so. I have done what was asked of me and more than what I should have -just to make everyone happy. Yet, in the end, I was still alone. I was still the outcast; the evil person…
Forgive me, if you are reading this. I am not asking for repayment or justification. I know that I have my fair share of faults. I am not counting the numerous times I have done them good deeds. Funny, the song from Wicked says “No good deed goes unpunished!” And I feel the magnitude of this phrase. I am not asking to be thanked in different ways or to be remembered in grandeur. It’s just that sometimes (in my case, often) people forget the profound meaning of a simple heartfelt “Thank You” …
It is sad how some people simply forget you…who you are and who you have been. It’s extremely heartbreaking how some people, whom you once called friends, brothers and sisters, choose to look at the tragedy and pain of your mistakes (even the ones that were unjustly thrown at you) rather than the positive things you have done for them. It is a pity how some people you have fought so hard for and strived to protect, end up dismembering your dignity and feeding you to the sharks all because it serves their purpose better. Again, the redundancy of being forgotten is making bile rise to my throat.
So, in this war of words, do I choose the same high road that I have been opting to walk in solitary?
Of course. It is always the right choice, no matter how much it will pain my heart and tear my soul. I will always choose to endure in silence and not let people see how I am a tattered puppet on a string. I will continue to smile and wish the best for these people. I will pray for blessings, heaps upon heaps of it, for their every endeavor in life and in their career. I will strive to harbor no ill-will (if I do, be assured that I am working at eradicating it) and no resentment to what has happened in the past. I will however, be different in the future. I will just say to those who have trampled my trust and my heart, that I will no longer bend over backwards to protect you. I have been extremely loyal but now, you will not get any kind words from me. Enough is enough. Call me cold-hearted; call me vile -I do not care anymore. For the times I have lowered myself and let go of my pride; for the times I have accepted blow after blow; pain after pain – I thank you. You have made me strong and yet you have made me a cynic. Still, my gratitude… However…
In a way, I guess I will aptly quote Elphaba “All right, enough! So be it, so be it then:…I promise no good deed will I attempt to do again, ever again…” [well, at least to those I know in my heart will not be worthy of it…]
Today, I made a few realizations -few but monumental. I was so hell-bent on being quiet and just be alone in my own black vortex -but I am blessed with a few people around me who can make me laugh and offer a good ear and terrific hugs. They might be younger and will not completely grasp the state that I am in however, their friendship and genuine care for me help me remain in this battlefield. I will not be foolish and be dishonest to say that I am not afraid of trusting too much… I am and I will always be. ‘Tis an affliction, i’m afraid, that will have to be healed by time. I might only have a few friends -a handful… but they are the ones who have gone through fire with me and those who are just relatively new, I know that they will learn from my mistakes and that they will strive to accept me in their hearts.
The Lord knows my heart -our hearts.
I lift everything to Him.