This is My Psychosis
I have a habit of being forlorn for no reason. It’s something that I cannot control and despite sounding overly dramatic and pathetic, I cannot help it. I will forever have a love-hate relationship with being depressed. Call me “Emo” and shoot me but there you have it. I am not proud of this affliction, in fact, it is cumbersome. I am prone to being overly clingy especially when it comes to people who have come to mean so much to me and sometimes being with them can trigger this seriously pathetic disease.
Do not get me wrong -I love my friends. They are only a handful but I love them with every fiber of my being. I love spending time with them and just hanging out while laughing our worries away. It does not matter that they are generations younger than I am because I think I was born in the wrong era [But I do not ever regret being an 80’s baby!] Anyway, I find it awesome how we can all transcend age barriers and levels. By the way, I am talking about the P.S. group…Aka “students by day, friends by night!”
Anyway, I was a bit apprehensive in being part of this young group. I have experiences in the past about loving too much and giving too much only to end up pushed aside to the point of being forgotten and trampled on. I guess I was having more trust issues. Oh, I am harboring no ill feelings or bitterness, I’ve moved past that stage and I do not really mind now that I have been “kicked-out” of their lives. Unfortunately, the thing is, I think my separation anxiety levels have risen to more than usual.
Yes, I know. I sound like a baby and not all grown up. Again, I cannot help it and I am just ranting about it here [in the blog that I swore would not contain any of my personal mumbo-jumbo! *sarcasm*] I guess i don’t like the feeling of missing people so much. I don’t handle separation very well in terms of friendship. I get attached so much that it gets ridiculous. Is this even normal? Maybe this is some sort of psychological disorder? [is there a psychologist in the house?]
Now, these new youngsters have found their niche in my heart. I know there’s a thin line between being a teacher and being a friend. I’m not worried about my position as a mentor because I treat them all the same professionally in the classroom and in terms of grades and conduct. I always keep myself in check to avoid being too lenient to the lot of them or showing any favoritism. However, when we are outside the school, it’s a different story. I believe [is it me or are we all in agreement?] that we have grown fond of each other. Which is wonderful and a blessing… However, come summer time and the incoming school semester -there will be people who will not be there… some will graduate others will be flying off somewhere. Though the rest will definitely be there in school, it will not be the same as having everyone together…
I know, I know… I’m such a sap. Ugh. I hate this feeling. I want to just hide away and desensitize myself from this fondness… I know we will all be friends no matter where we go or in whatever lifetime we have. I worry though about forgetfulness… I am anxious about being forgotten and being left standing on the same corner expecting for that same bus to come around so I can get on board. It happened twice to me in this lifetime and I have no reason to believe it cannot happen again.
Oh, I know the feeling and I think I can deal with it. What I am not looking forward to is the fact that I have to reboot my whole system once again. I have to steel myself and fog up my brain to forget and move on. But such is life and the inevitable will always be that tempest in the horizon. Change is the only thing that is constant in this world. Some changes we end up liking others well…