This is My Psychosis

To be or not to be…

Advice -whether meant to be given or not, sometimes tend to be irritating. I know the feeling of hearing somebody give advice and then cringing inside out of exasperation. I also know the feeling of wanting to smash the face of the person giving advice because it was unsolicited. The irony of the whole thing is that I am somebody who seems to love to give advice and yet often times, do not like to be given one.

I try my best not to talk too much. I know I come off as a know-it-all most of the time. Trust me, I am not and I do not intend to. Perhaps there is something in the way that I deliver the lines or the lilt of my voice when speaking. I know I am quite loud and boisterous, especially when enjoying a good joke but, believe me -I would rather share a comfortable silence with people. I would rather be alone, thinking; writing and just listening to music.

This is one of the reasons why I love my best friends -Soi and Jades. We do not see each other for ages and yet when we meet up once in a blue moon, it’s like we just saw each other yesterday. Before, we would stay up all night just talking and enjoying silence while drinking beer or just chilling. However, age seem to be catching up on us as our last rendezvous consisted of a movie marathon fail because we were all fast asleep. I guess, the three of us were tired with the lemons life have been dealing us.

Aside from this type of friendship, my best friends and I are brutally frank with each other. They are probably one of the very few people whom I listen to in terms of advice [or scolding.] I do not know why but it’s probably because they know me best. Frankly, I don’t think people know who I really am. They might think they have me figured out because I am pretty expressive and transparent with my emotions but in all honesty, sometimes I feel like there are a hundred “me’s” that emerge and bubble up the surface during particular scenarios.

I don’t know why. It’s probably because I am a multi-tasker and an artist. I have a lot of roles to play in public and I guess, I lost track of who I really am. I think I confuse people or perhaps, I confuse my self. Oh no! Is this the part where I just stare off blindly into space while scratching my head?

But I digress… I was talking about advice, right?

I would like to say it once and for all that just because I give advice or talk my mouth off, it doesn’t mean that I am right or I am pushing my beliefs to become yours. I do not know [will never know] why I talk so much despite being an anti-social recluse but I only tell you things that I believe in; my take on the ups and downs of this sideways life. If you feel like I am imposing, then I apologize now for offending you and invading your personal space. But, I will never apologize for speaking my mind.

Looking back at my self as a child, I have a lot of regrets in terms of how I should have been. I was a shy little girl with no identity and no guts to speak out. I think I was also the one always getting into accidents and have a self-esteem range of a my pinky fingernail. I never really liked asking for things. In fact, I remember the feeling of being super sheepish and embarrassed to ask for anything expensive. While everybody would ask for ice cream and burger, I would opt for a single, small “siopao” [is it steamed bun in English? I’m not sure -sue me!]

Now, nobody would believe me when I tell them I’m shy and that I’m actually a lover of tranquil, silent and relaxing environment [saddle me with a book, a pen and something to write/doodle on and I’m golden!] I cannot believe how I have changed as well. I can now hold my own when faced with different people of different ages. I speak up, for crying out loud [perhaps sometimes a tad too much but nobody’s perfect -right?] So, when does advice step in? I’ve lost track of the thoughts I wanted to consolidated for this blog.

Anyway, what happens is that if i were to look back and give my younger self advice, it would be…

#1 Laugh a lot and be less self-conscious. People will wag their tongues and give you a judging eye whether you deserve it or not. People will say bad things about you and will criticize you to no end. But if you can laugh about your mistakes; your imperfections and won’t let negative snide comments or situations pull you down, then you are going to be okay.

You cannot control people but you can control your self; your sentiments and the way you react; you can control the way you carry yourself and how you conduct your self in front of others. Never allow anybody to make you feel bad about who you are. You’re the only person with complete authority when it comes to making your self feel low, bad and ugly. The others are just flies you encounter while taking a cross country drive day and night -they are the ones stuck on your windshield. You can just turn on the wiper and *poof* they are gone.

#2 Speak Out and Speak Up. You are given a mouth and a brain so use them together. Say something, scream! Shout! Especially when there are things that are happening which should not be happening. People will assume they know more than you do and in some cases, they probably do. But, this does not mean you are ignorant or that whatever you will speak off will be totally rubbish. Speak your mind! You should tell people what you feel; what you think and how you think things should be. Express yourself more because it will help you define your principles; showcase your talents.

Sometimes we regret so much because we were so afraid to speak up. Of course, practice prudence and tact. Strive to never be mean and scornful. Focus on positivity rather than pessimism. Just because you have the right to talk or say anything does not mean you do not exercise restraint and practice respect.

I am still honing my skills in being tactful and in controlling my temper as well as not allowing my mouth to run off without my brain to accompany it.

I still have a lot to tell myself and I would probably scatter it across a number of entries… But for now, Mr. Sandman Calls.


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This entry was posted on January 29, 2012 by in psyKOIsis and tagged , , , , , , , , .
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