This is My Psychosis
Recently, I have been battling a bout of infatuation. Yes, it can be quite a nasty disease. It’s worse than the pox, the yellow plague and malaria. There might even be reports of deaths concerning this malady. Unfortunately, the cure is rare and if one does discover how to treat it -it takes a while before it actually works. So, you suffer through it from the beginning until the end.
It has been an age-old debate and a mystery -infatuation or crush or love or psychotic tendencies? People would say: “You cannot fall in love with somebody who you do not know…” but then again, a lot have found themselves admiring and liking people just by hearing them talk or just catching a brief (like, the person was riding the bus you happen to be chasing because you are late…but unfortunately, you missed it.) glance at someone.
Well, I believe for sure that you cannot love somebody at first sight. You can like, admire, pant after and make goo-goo eyes at someone you just met but you can never claim to be in love with that person. Not even when he’s all you can think about or even when you are already fantasizing about you and her doing the Edward and Bella dance at the prom. I don’t care who stands on whoever’s feet while slow dancing but I care about the fact that you cannot love somebody you do not personally and totally know.
But then again, love is no longer a word that is taken seriously. It gets thrown around like you are feeding pigeons in a park. Oh I love Johnny Depp! I love James McAvoy! I love this guy who looks like… (okay, I think I’m referring to myself…oOps!) Anyway, haven’t you noticed how loosely people just use the word “love” when relating it to somebody they are eyeing as partners, playmates, toys or slaves? This I think adds a lot to the confusion. It’s like we are finding a lot of different ways to justify the fact that we want this person because we have an IDEA of who he might be and we have expectations of who he is and how you can be good together. Never mind the fact that you just know his first name and that he likes doing Adam Sandler impersonations!
We all love to love the idea of something. I think this is why we acquire the infatuation disease. Symptoms include: Crushing like a boss! Having this urgent need to see him/her everyday and at different angles! Dreaming and daydreaming like you do not have deadlines to meet. Visualizing the future you two might have once you have children, dogs and houses! How he would be like this and how she would be like that…Heaven help you if you already named your first born child!
The sad part is, reality steps in just at the perfect moment. But, since we have FREE WILL, fate does not force us to heed its mandate or dictate. It allows us to continually ignore it and make even bigger fools of ourselves. Imagine that you are part of an arcade game -the type where a person holds a rubber hammer and then you are the gopher that keeps popping out of different holes. Fate will try and try to smash you on the head but you can always choose to avoid getting hit or even when you do get hit, you still insist on continuing your game of popping in and out.
The reality is that we can never truly say that this person is the one we truly look forward to spending the rest of our lives (or at least, 3 months long!) unless we get to know him/her. It’s like buying a car. You like how it looks but then when you test drive it, you forgot you do not like driving an automatic. And like a car, the price you pay at the end might be too high and you cannot afford to pay for it.
I keep telling myself and other people to “test the merchandise” and delve deeper. Don’t go for the love at first sight mumbo jumbo because at the end of the day, who knows? Maybe you forgot you had an appointment with an optometrist and you missed having your eyes checked or you played with a pencil and it decided to poke you in the eye… or something. What i’m saying is that sight is too superficial to base feelings over. You have to know the person’s life; his or her challenges and triumphs. You have to find out what he thinks of religion or culture. Know how he plans to respond to certain situations. Find out whether he likes Vanilla or Chocolate and if he is willing to take you out on a date because he likes you enough to make you choose for him.
Okay, where am I headed with this? I don’t know. But here’s what I am sure of:
Expectations are okay but never expect too much from a person you only met once or twice and shared a good conversation. Allow yourself to feel giddy, excited, thrilled etc… only after there is a concrete development (hint: He actually asks you out and says that he thinks you are pretty and he would like to be your boyfriend!) Remember, for every action, there should be a reaction. However, if you are the only person who is reacting and acting (hint: one-sided-admiration-unreciprocated-feelings) then it is time for you to slap yourself silly.
Yes, the feeling of having a crush or being infatuated is great. It’s the only sickness that actually makes a girl look prettier and more put together. However, the implications of misplaced feelings and emotions can be quite drastic and too life altering to handle.
In short: Go gaga over somebody you already know enough of to really say that “HE/SHE is the ONE” – keep crushes away from your danger zone. Let it stew on the “safe zone between friendship and willingness to go on a date!” Trust me, it is not a pretty feeling when you realize that you have only loved an idea of this person; of what you thought he would turn out.
Keep in mind that when it comes to the matters of the heart -you have to be careful because even if you think you are strong and not easily broken by other people… you have to consider the possibility that the one person who can hurt us most is OURSELVES and our UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS -just coz he smiled like a boss!
I know it’s easier said than done but then, they never coined a phrase: “It’s easier said and it cannot be done!” (ugh. pun-tastically facepalm fail!)
Let me leave you with this quote (which I thought of myself -Copyright 2012.koisevilla-
“Loving your idea of a someone is one of the worst things you can do to your heart…”