This is My Psychosis
That exasperating moment when you battle with yourself; where in the prize is sanity and sparing yourself from unnecessary heartache. Usually, it ends with the spoils going to the psychotic and masochistic part of you- yes, the one that said “Go ahead, dive in!” when you know that the other half of you has been waving this red flag so big (that it has been photographed from the NASA space station) to warn you that anything related to your current “thinking and feeling” is highly dangerous and might lead to instantaneous death.
Fortunately, right at this very moment, I am holding that picture of the red flag and I am focusing all energy towards it. Why should I subject myself to the nail-biting, inside gnawing and sickening feeling of playing cat and mouse in the game of love? I don’t like guessing games -in fact, I NEVER LIKED THEM! Give me scrabble! Give me boggle! Give me crosswords! (And i’m wondering why i’m still single…ha-ha-ha!) Anyway, back to the game that is called “love”…
You should know that I am probably the most naive person when it comes to romance. Yes, I am hopelessly romantic and idealistic but when it comes to knowing and being all keen about a guy -load that pistol and shoot me in the head because I’m brain dead! I don’t know if a guy is flirting with me or if he is telling me he likes me in his “subtle” (which is probably some lame, garbled bull crap) way… hence, it is highly plausible that this ignorance (or perhaps, inferiority complex? low self-esteem? lol) of mine can be interpreted by the opposite sex as me being frigid, nonchalant, passive, unfeeling, aloof, stand-offish towards them so they don’t stand a chance in hell or heaven… ugh!
But in reality, I just don’t like to be the assuming type; I don’t like to expect much when it comes to the “romance” department because I don’t like getting hurt. I’m not afraid of it – I just don’t like dealing with it. If I were younger, I would probably survive an onslaught of heartbreaks because I know I have a whole lot of living left to do to find that prince charming… Unfortunately, this clock is ticking like a time bomb and I’m just really looking for something SERIOUS -yes, as serious as a heart attack (which, at the rate that things are going, might be the only action my poor lonely heart will experience in this lifetime…)
Bottom line, I’m too old and too jaded inside to play games especially since I never had a penchant for such frivolities. I don’t like it when a guy tests the waters too long before jumping in. I especially don’t like being a security blanket or a rebound or the “last resort” because he just can’t do any better. I also don’t like cryptic signals and mixed messages sent through flirting, silly endearing touches of skin and hands (that mean nothing special to the guy) plus that annoying group called “Empty Words and Empty Promises”
I wish that if a guy does like me (if in some miraculous way the guy I like, likes me too) -he’d just go right ahead and express it in a straightforward manner and not act like he’s afraid that he might get rejected or he might regret liking me in the long run. I wish he would just stop playing all cute and mysterious and oh I don’t know- confusing! He can be all cute and whatever when we’re in love because by then, I won’t mind at all.
Yes, yes -it’s pretty obvious that this entry is laced with pessimistic wisecracks aimed at yours truly – what can I say? I tend to fight with my self-esteem a lot…(Hint: Universe, You Are Not Helping Me In This Department AT-ALL!!!) But just allow me this once to just rant. There are of course rational explanations and rebuttals for this entry but I will not allow them to manifest! I will not juggle morality, sanity and ego tonight. Really, believe me – I can tell myself a lot of things to make it all better and smooth out my ruffled feathers -but not tonight.
This night is for my lonely heart… This night is for self-loathing and hating the fact that I’m intrepid but insecure; confident, talented yet unattractive. This night is for my strong personality and the things in me that make a guy (or a person in general) go “Eew!” or “Hands-off”… This night -oops, it’s past midnight already so technically, I should be saying “This day…” (See right there? I am starting to battle with my self because of this post… the break in this section is the time when my other half said “ENOUGH ALREADY!”)
So okay, I’ll stop… in more ways than one. You can call me desolate, desperate, lonely and pitiful. Yes, PITY THIS FOOL… (but I will not guarantee that this fool won’t kick your ass… ) Yes, you can insult me this way if you want -I will allow it for this post- for this day! I think I deserve it for letting my emotions and my silly notions of fantasy (and my being tired of living vicariously through others’ love-lives) get the better of me…
Go ahead, take your best shot! I already did… I’ll be bruised tomorrow- that’s for sure…But the good thing is that I know I’ll be posting a blog after this (at the appropriate time) where in I will be proud, optimistic and confident with myself.
Really -the past few events have quite taken a toll on my sanity.
On that note, the ice cream and magic shell chocolate is waiting to placate me…